Time Marches On.
This has been our FIFTH Christmas without our Beau. Only those who have lost a child will understand that after this amount of time, it is still not OK. We will NEVER be “OK” with this. Just never. Beau should have turned 21 in April. Instead, he rests in the form of ashes in an urn in a special place designated for him in our home.
His friends have moved on. They all turned 21 in the past year and are in the process of finishing college and beginning life. We do hear from a few of them now and then. But most of them … never. I’m not faulting them. Life just goes on. It stopped for us … but OF COURSE it should continue for them.
Though my anger has subsided quite a bit in four years, it still rears its ugly head at opportune times. It doesn’t consume, but it is there nonetheless. Like today. The trigger? Just the reminder that time is marching on. That this big blue marble called earth still spins on its axis in its orbit at 66,000+ mph. That in just a few days the calendar will turn over to a new year. That Beau didn’t turn 21 last April. That Beau will never even begin college much less finish it. The list goes on.
Don went ice fishing yesterday…without Beau.
We went to Estes Park for Christmas…without Beau.
We will celebrate Don’s 51st birthday today…without Beau.
We will soon enter 2019…without Beau.
So I write a short poem for my heart. To bring it comfort and some semblance of meaning. Here it is:
“I need the strength of God today.
To climb the mountains… this I pray.
To forge the depths of valley floor.
Till I arrive at heaven’s door.”
The mysteries of this universe are too hard for me to grasp. I will never understand them but I always find comfort in looking up to something higher than I. Someone who dictates the motion of the planets, their orbits, the intricate patterns of the galaxies and stars that populate them. Someone higher, much higher, than I.
May 2019 be good to you. Peace.